I love to sing worship. I love blasting passionate songs about Jesus and worshipping Him in my car. I love those intimate times at church when that song comes on that perfectly comforts your soul. 

This season, I’ve lacked the desire to worship. I’ve lacked the desire to praise a God who took my stepdad to heaven. I’m not mad or angry at God in one bit, I’m just at a loss of understanding. I’m at a loss of happiness for something that I never wanted. Don’t get me wrong, I have peace and know I’ll see Roger again, but I’m still grieved. Everyday is hard, everyday I hate the fact that Roger is not here. Although I’m in grief and disbelief of these past few months I have never stopped believing that Jesus loves me. I’ve been tempted to wish for things I can’t change and even really believing that there was ever going to be something to look forward to. 

I hate death. But I know we were never created to live forever on this earth and nor would I want to. Our home is heaven, our dwelling place is with Jesus. We are but dust and this life on earth is temporary. My eyes have been opened to what I value and what is really important, it’s a mind shift. 

Just recently I’ve gotten back into listening to worship, being able to go to church and sing without crying. It’s hard every time, but I know HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME. 

This one song brought me to tears, I love when music allows you to be raw, creates a place of surrender. This healing process has no time frame, the goal is not to be over it but to learn how to surrender the unknown to the creator of the universe and the lover of my soul. 

I long for heaven even more, I long for Jesus and I long for all that He has for me. 

Go listen to it 

“All my life I've been carried by grace

Don't ask me how 'cause I can't explain

It's nothing short of a miracle I'm here

I've got some blessings that I don't deserve

I've got some scars but that's how you learn

It's nothing short of a miracle I'm here

I think it over and it doesn't add up

I know it comes from above

I've got miracles on miracles

A million little miracles

Yeah, miracles on miracles

Count your miracles, 1-2-3-4 I

Can't even count 'em all” 

Million Little Miracles by Elevation Worship

Sit with Jesus. Lay it all down, the pain, the fear the unknown and believe that He is able and desires to do miracles in your life. He is not done with you yet. 

Thanks for reading!